Handing Over the Purse Strings

By Sharie Derrickson

There are several things that make men and women different. Aside from the obvious – that men like to eat their sandwiches uncut like barbarians and women don’t – I have found a fundamental dissimilarity between the sexes – handbags.

I am no fashion plate. In fact, if you know anything about me, you know that I could care less about any event that requires me to dress in anything that would ever need to be dry-cleaned. Now, there’s a scam if I ever saw one – dry cleaning. What does “dry clean only” mean, anyway.

But, because clothes labels are so bossy, I do what I am told and whenever I have something that says “dry clean only,” I go to the dry cleaning place and drop my stuff off so that, mysteriously, they come back clean and pressed. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what happens to the clothes. It is one of those mysteries that will have to wait for another column.

And while we are on the subject, I bought my daughter a sweater the other day that had a care label the size of the Magna Charta on it. “Gently hand wash in cool water with mild soap. Wring gently and rinse in bottled spring water from France. Lay flat to let block dry in well-ventilated space, or else. Steam press on low turned inside out. Do not starch. Do not hang. Do no place near an open flame. Do not use garment for any other use not specified on label.”
The care label was also written in Spanish, French, Dutch, and in Braille. Then, the last line said, “Dry clean as needed.” Now, what does that mean? How do I know when it needs dry cleaning? Couldn’t it come with some kind of alarm or sensor that goes off when it is time to dry clean the sweater? What kind of world do we live in? Geezo peezo.

Before my blood pressure goes up, let’s get back to the subject at hand, which is handbags. As I already stated, most of the time, I look like a slob. It’s part of my charm and a good way to not get myself invited to anything that cost money to attend. And, while my daughter, who is an expert shopper, can pick a sale clean like a piranha on a dead water buffalo (strange analogy, I know), I mostly sit on a bench in the mall and watch people – which really means I watch women hand over their giant bags of sale stuff to their husbands, who are sitting next to me with their eyes glassed over wishing they were out buying saws alls and post diggers. Mostly, I am disinterested in shopping for attire.

But, for some strange reason that is totally inexplicable to me, I am attracted to handbags. I love purses – big purses, small purses, purses with chains, purses with pockets, zippers, and matching wallets. When it comes to a purse that I like, I am like a crow that sees something shiny. I just gotta have it. Finding the most excellent of pocketbooks is, for me, the ultimate rush.

This got me to thinking – why is it that I am so attracted to something to carry stuff in, especially when I don’t really like to carry stuff? Is it a byproduct of my upbringing? Is it nature verses nurture? I mean, do women all around the world suffer from purse envy like I do? And, why do we, as women, feel such a need to carry around everything in our house in a bag over our shoulder? Does it stem from our primitive roots of when we were a nomadic people and the only thing you could take with you was your purse?

“Yes dear, I know the rains are coming and it is time for the great hunt, but I can’t leave without my purse.”

So, I decided to do some research on the issue. Now, hold on to your hat (which I hope matches your purse and shoes) but the first handbag was carried by MEN. That’s right girls. The first documented history of the handbag shows that men in Egypt carried the purse – not the ladies, which meant that the guys were the ones to carry the car keys, check book, Chap Stick, Kleenex, and tampons. According to archeologist who study such things because they got really bad advice from their college guidance counselor, ancient hieroglyphs, which is pretty redundant since there is no such thing as non-ancient hieroglyphs, found in Egyptian tombs showed that it was quite fashionable for men to carry purses, and the richer the man, the larger and more elaborate the purse.

Then, around the 16th century, too many men were being diagnosed with bursitis of the shoulder, which interfered with manly things like chopping wood, opening jars, and throwing bowling balls, so the responsibility of carrying the purse was passed off to women.

And, according to fashion archeologist, who got the worst advise ever from their guidance counselor, it was then that the purse took on its full value as not only a bag to carry items, but as a fashion accessory. It went something like this: “I ain’t carrying around the purse any more. It’s not manly and it’s interfering with my ability to do manly things like arm wrestle.”

“Fine then, but you better take me to buy a prettier one with some shoes to match. I wouldn’t be caught dead carrying that ugly thing. And look at the stuff you have in here – a crow bar, a Bowie knife, a sling shot with rocks – no wonder this thing weighs a ton.”

Women then took over the responsibility of carrying the purse and stuffing it full of important items, which at any given time will include; gum, pins, paperclips, dry cleaning receipts (don’t get me back on that subject), eight shades of lip gloss, a box of animal crackers, Desitin, wet naps, buttons, the checkbook, loose change, a change of clothes, and of course, her husband’s wallet and the car keys.

Although subtle in its effects, it was when the duty of carrying the purse was turned over to women that the balance of power shifted, which later led to the Suffrage Movement, which is when women began to complain about stuff, which then led our right to vote, or something like that. To be honest, I never really paid much attention to that part in history class. Anyway, it is because of this that there are some really important women doing important jobs like Supreme Court Justice, and Secretary of State, and New York State Senator, all of which, if you will notice, have handbags that match their shoes.

So, a lot has come out of my research into the pocketbook. I discovered that it was the simple handbag that helped women win equality and that freed men up to do important tasks like opening the pickle jar. I discovered that purses were invented by men who later abandoned the “silly accessory” for more practical accessories like the necktie. I found out what a hieroglyph was, which is nice because I always thought it was a gland in your neck, but, the most important thing that has come out of this research – another column is, “in the bag,” – along with gum, razors, my wallet, car keys, a stapler, dental floss . . .

© 2006 Sharie Derrickson. Previously printed in the Thousand Islands Sun.