The Garbage That Keeps on Giving

By Sharie Derrickson

My sister routinely cleans out her house of unwanted stuff by gift wrapping it and sending it to me, something I call Rummage Re-gifting. Last week, I got a whole box of coptic jars, which, as you might know, are Egyptian jars used to hold organs after a mummy is embalmed. I am not sure why she has these jars, and I am even unsure why she is sending them to me. I have decided I shall use them as jam pots, and not to hold organs in because that is just creepy.

She also sent me all of my brother-in-laws magazines called something like, “Government Executive Magazine.” I looked through the giant stack for grocery coupons and sweepstake contests, but there wasn’t any. There weren’t even any of those little things that drop out of magazine that you can use to order a limited edition Elvis plate with, and a magazine is not a magazine unless you can order a limited edition Elvis plate, in my opinion. I have decided that I will slip a few of these inserts in to the magazines and inconspicuously leave them at my dentist’s office.

Years ago, I thought my sister just loved me a lot and that is why she would go out of her way to find unique and unusual gifts for me. As I said, all the gifts come wrapped, but I recently figured out that she is ridding herself of those spare pieces of wrapping paper that are always clogging up closets and shelves. I caught on when I got something wrapped in Bat-mitzvah paper.

She has also sent me coffee cans full of empty plastic film canisters, egg cartons with twist ties in them, the “TV Guide” for the years of 1987 – 1991 (which she said I should have because I was living out of the country and would be able to know what happened on television during those years – apparently, “Dynasty” went off the air in 1989, something I had no idea about and I was wondering how Blake Carrington stayed so young.)

So, it seems my sister has read in one of her many magazines (which I now have) on how to pawn off her spring-cleaning junk on me and at the same time, make it look like she is doing me a favor. I now have the stub to every airline ticket she has ever purchased (which she says she thought I might like to have incase I need a telephone number for an airline because I can never find my phone book and you can never have too many airline ticket stubs), and I have a copy of every Chinese menu she has ever had left on her car window along with a Chinese/English pocket dictionary because, as my sister says, I need it since I travel a lot.

Well, kids, what goes around, comes around, as the saying goes. I have started to compile my own stack of trash to send to her. Now, the key to getting revenge is proper planning. I have set up shop for this in my spare bedroom, a room I now call, “The Revenge Re-gifting Room.” It is stacked to the ceiling with boxes and bags of stuff that needs to go. I have divided up the junk into a couple of categories – my sister’s birthday, my sister’s Christmas presents, and things to be sent at random to show my sister how much she means to me. Since her birthday is approaching, I will start with that one.

First, I found appropriate wrapping paper – used aluminum foil. You know, I always feel so guilty tossing out the aluminum foil when it has only been on the tuna fish in the refrigerator. I mean, what a waste of our natural resources. So, I decided this was the perfect way to recycle the foil and maybe help our planet.

Each gift will get a tag made from those tags you pull off new clothing. I know. I’m a genius. Instead of ribbon, I use rubber bands – you know, the ones that come on your mail. All you do is tie a couple together and voila, you have a decorative ribbon to put on your package. There are several ways to attach your gift tag to your present, including chewed gum, used leg wax strips, and thumbtacks. Remember, it’s the thought that counts so don’t worry about aesthetics.

Then, I began sorting for her birthday box. One thing I have a lot of is undeveloped film. If you are lazy like me, you probably have buckets of rolls of film you have shot over the years, but have just not had the time to take to be developed. I put a roll in each of the film canisters she sent me. I attached a note. “Dear sister, since we don’t get to spend too much time together, I thought you might like some pictures. Enjoy. Love Sharie.”

Another thing I have a lot of is notebooks. I have kept every interview note ever done for the past three years – pages and pages of spiral-bound information that I don’t have the heart to throw out, but I have no use for them. “Dear sister, since we don’t get to spend to much time together, I though you might like to read what I have been doing. Love Share.” Done.

I have several drawers in my house dedicated to pens. In fact, I should confess to you all that I am somewhat of a pen kleptomaniac, so watch me carefully should you ever let me borrow a pen. I’m not to be trusted. Anyway, these drawers are full of pens that are either out of ink, or are broken. I don’t know why I keep them and maybe I need medication. I will ask the doctor next time I see him – and steal his pen, of course.

I wrapped each pen, about 85 of them, secured them tight with a rubber band bow and a note. “Dear sister, since we don’t get to spend too much time together, I thought maybe we could correspond more. Love Sharie.”

Then, there is the other drawer – used batteries. See, old batteries are not good for the environment, so I don’t throw them away, plus I have a fear that if enough batteries are thrown into landfills, the polar charge of the earth could reverse and cause another ice age and I don’t want to be responsible for that.

I have made plans over the years to do things with them, but I haven’t come up with any good ideas other than a Christmas wreath made from batteries, but nobody wanted one when I asked. “Dear sister, I thought you could use these. Love Sharie.” I didn’t tell her they were dead batteries – not my problem.

Old newspapers – yes, just like you, my house if full of them – all sorts of them – including the ones already wrapped in plastic during free delivery days that sat by my mailbox for three weeks. So, I stuck a note on each one that read something like, “Dear Sister, read a story in here somewhere and thought you might get a kick out of it. Love Sharie.”

I then packed up her box using all the Styrofoam peanuts from the Christmas boxes, along with my entire collection of dryer lint (don’t ask) and I am going to mail it as soon as I can find a pen to address the box with. Maybe I can steal one from the post office.

And remember, revenge is best when served C.O.D.


© 2006 Sharie Derrickson. Previously printed in the Thousand Islands Sun.