Congress Embrolied in Kitten vs. Puppies Debate
Raven Hetzler, Potsdam, NY
Fake News Report, April Ninth: The week-long controversy over the kittens versus puppies debate in Congress reached a fevered pitch this Friday when House Minority Leader John Boehner [R-OH] accused political opponents of being unpatriotic in their support of kittens over puppies.
"The supporters of kittens in this debate are denigrating the contribution of canines to this great nation!" barked Boehner. "The brave work of our police, rescue, bomb- and drug-sniffing dogs are being disparaged by the disloyal and unpatriotic mewling of the kitten supporters!"
House Speaker Nanci Pelosi [D-CA] nipped back at him on the House floor: "It was our founding fathers' independent and freethinking spirits that brought them to reject such dogmatism," she spat. "You and your pack of puppy partisans would cause catastrophic damage to this nation if your legislation were to pass, and it is the job of every upstanding Representative here to shred it before it can harm our nation."
Independents, meanwhile, have been heard to speak in favor of pro-rabbit legislation, and Rep. Pete Stark [D-CA] proposed a piece of pro-squid legislation, but the motions were squashed in committee.
In the Senate, kitten supporters are hissing over an insult-littered ad in the Washing Post which states, among other things, "Kitten Supporters are Pussies! Vote Puppies for America!" The ad was run by an independent citizen's group called Watchdogs of Obstreperous Felines (or WOOF).
Both People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and Veterinarians for Peace, a nonprofit organization, have released statements condemning the political killings of both kittens and puppies in recent days. An estimated fifteen thousand baby animals have been found dead in politically motivated incidents.
The debate began when Senator Arlen Specter [R-PA] introduced an amendment to an Iraq War Spending Bill that would declare kittens "the most adorable small furry animal in the United States." This move raised the hackles of the influential puppy lobby, and began the debate that has crossed party lines and eclipsed both the Iraq war and the housing crisis for over a week.
In other political news, President George W. Bush has proposed a controversial piece of legislation that would make irony a Class III Controlled Substance under the jurisdiction of the FDA.
This move appears to be aimed squarely at limiting the damage caused by Bush's loudest and harshest critics - political satirists. The new law, if passed, would impose a fine for anyone apprehended viewing, reading or listening to more than one hour of ironic material per day. An unnamed White House insider expressed concern that this would limit the public's ability to listen to or view Presidential speeches and/or White House press releases.
The law is opposed by several broadcast and internet-based corporations whose primary income is made from comedy and political satire. It is expected to face tough scrutiny in Congress once the kitten-puppy debates have played out and a normal schedule is resumed.
In a recent speech, the President stated, "I urge the Congress to finish their doggoned debate that's goin' on in there now, and to pick up my legislaterive proposal to limit irony. Irony is, it's a dangerous thing, dangerous for young folks. And it - it's important for the young people to have a safe understandin' of the world, without people tryin' to confuscate them by saying things that aren't what they mean, that aren't true." During the question and answer session after the speech, the President responded to a question with "I don't know why you people keep bringin' that up. It just ain't true. I have never said 'stay the course.'"