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This I Believe:

A national dialogue about
personal values and civic ideals

This I Believe Essays from NCPR Listeners

NCPR's This I Believe page

Sharon, Smithfield VT

A Permanent Trip Down the Aisle

A twenty-year-old man and an eighteen-year-old woman spark up a courtship; shortly thereafter is a proposal, and then a marriage. The two move in together, have children, and watch them grow. The woman is a “housewife,” and naturally, the man is the provider. They grow old together, never to be parted until the will of God calls one home. Such was ordinary not too long ago, and in this I believe.

When people think of the perfect marriage, many drift back to the marriages from 50s television shows–a June Cleaver-like wife who sets a delightful, warm supper on the beautiful dining room table and greets a Ward Cleaver-like husband at the kitchen door, when he comes home from performing his duties as bread-winner. When compared to the marriages of today, which typically have both partners working, 1950s marriages had a much lower divorce rate and a higher level of happiness. I believe the traditional homemaker wife and the bread-winner husband roles produce better marriages.

When I look at the older age group, those of my parent’s and grandparent’s generation, they tend to be more traditional. Many of their marriages have lasted until death bid them part, whereas my own age group’s unions aren’t nearly as successful. For example, my grandparents have been married 58 years; my sister divorced shortly after one. Again, what’s different? Traditional roles.
A recent study conducted by Times columnist John Tierney, found that “women want their husbands to be providers.” This study also cited research conducted by Charlotte Allen, that the more traditional a marriage, the happier it is– which in turn leads to a lasting marriage.

Perhaps there’s a reason why traditional roles were held for so long and in nearly every civilization. The set up worked. Divorce was unthinkable and, as a result, people tried harder to make the job of a relationship work rather than just giving up. It wasn’t a game, it was work, hard at times, but worth it. I believe that even in today’s America a lasting marriage is possible if we recapture the spirit of a 50s marriage.

Suzanne M. Miller, Saranac Lake, NY

I believe that school administrators in public education are among those who have some of the most difficult positions in the American workforce today. We are asked to be all things to all people--our communities, our students, their parents, our faculty, staff, fellow administrators and members of our Board of Education. As one who has recently completed her first year in those ranks, I offer these bits I have gleaned upon reflection of all that I learned in my first year.

  1. Find a Superintendent who values you and what you do, and whom you can respect and respects you. If it doesn’t feel “right” – it probably isn’t.
  2. Be a good team player – remember: there is no “ I ” in TEAM.
  3. Forgive yourself – early and often. Understand that you are HUMAN, and therefore, will make mistakes.
  4. Accept responsibility for your mistakes, and address (or redress) them as soon as possible.
  5. READ. READ. READ. Never stop developing, broadening and deepening your knowledge base.
  6. Find a MENTOR – someone you can turn to in time of need for his or her wisdom, guidance and support. (Thanks, K-Lo!)
  7. Dr. Paul Vermette’s (Niagara University Superstar) Rule applies to EVERYONE, ALWAYS: I don’t have to like you. I have to work with you and respect you.
  8. REFLECT – not for the purpose of self-deprecation (aka beating yourself up), but to help you process, use what you glean from processing/digesting, and to continue to GROW.
  9. Allow yourself a sense of HUMOR – it keeps you grounded, connected and human.
  10. Expect and accept criticism – remember: you can’t please everyone all the time, to paraphrase a great and wise leader, Abraham Lincoln.
  11. “Slow but steady wins the race” – that’s wisdom from Aesop, a Greek dude, who is even older than I am!
  12. Keep in mind that change is hard for EVERYONE, and that each person reacts in his or her own way, and in his or her own time.
  13. Stretch yourself when you can comfortably do so, and be open to challenges – they keep you learning, engaged and humble.
  14. Be HONEST. Be SINCERE. Be YOURSELF.
  15. Learn as many names, and as quickly as possible. Everyone likes to be acknowledged for who they are.
  16. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow…. and next week…and next month…. and next year…
  17. Find a friend (or friends) where you can – and be open, learn and laugh with them – fellow administrators, teachers, staff, students, and parents.
  18. Never consider moving to an educational administration position if:
    • You think you should have all the answers.
    • You take criticism too personally.
    • You don’t care passionately about kids and learning.
    • You don’t think/know ALL kids CAN learn.
    • You aren’t there to make a difference.
  19. Find time for YOURSELF.
    • Exercise
    • Pray
    • Meditate
    • Enjoy family, friends, pets, hobbies and interests
  20. Remember: there are no BAD CHILDREN – there are children who make BAD CHOICES.

Jamie Sheffield, Lake Placid NY

I believe that my son's love for me, and my love for him, will save the world.

Our love will end war and terrorism, fill up bellies with good food and clean water, preserve and protect the environment, cure and prevent terrible diseases, and improve human rights conditions across the globe.

This may sound a bit ambitious for a three year old and his father to accomplish, but it won't happen overnight, and we won't be doing it all by ourselves. Parents and their kids the world over will all be doing their part to help us save the world.

The idea first came to me in a darkened hospital room in September of 2002. I was alone in the room, except for my 10-minute-old son, and we worked out the basics of our relationship as doctors and nurses helped my wife in the recovery room. He was small enough to cradle comfortably in my left hand, had one hand wrapped surprisingly firmly around my pinkie, and I loved him perfectly. I love my wife, but that love is complicated; there was a time when I didn't love her, we were friends before we feel in love, and her independence and maturity make my love for her a pleasurable extravagance (she doesn't NEED me around in order for her life to continue). I loved my son before he was born, so he has never known a minute in this world without that love. I knew that I had to do anything and everything to make the world a place fit for Ben.

My son knew me from the first moment I held him, trusted me to take care of him, and NEEDED me around in order to live hour to hour in the beginning (less so now, but the NEED is still there). From the first night in the hospital when he slept in my hands, gripping me tightly with those tiny fingers, he looks to me to: keep him warm and safe in a world he was (and is) a stranger to, make strawberry cocoa "the right way", calm his fears in the black of night, fix boo-boos with my magic kisses, smooth over and mediate problems with Mommy or friends from child-care, and share in his victories and happiest moments. His love and need make me a better person than I would otherwise be.

Across the world, all fathers and sons experience the same bond that Ben and I share; we didn't invent this love--and therein lies the hope and promise for the salvation of the world. Fathers (and mothers too, of course, but for the sake of continuity, I'll just stick with fathers) need to, and will, realize that they are fathers first, before they are Christians or Muslims, "insurgents" or "promoters of democracy", rich or poor, black or white--fathers all. My son can't live in a world that destroys itself through hate or nuclear war or environmental pillaging any more than George W. Bush's daughters, or Usama Bin Laden's children, or the children of a mother in Nigeria (or Ireland or China or Brazil). If my son needs and deserves immunizations against childhood disease, and protection from avian flu, than so do all of those other children. If my son deserves to grow up free from child slavery or prostitution, than how can I hug Ben without at least trying to insure the same for those other children? Every son deserves the world that I want for Ben--and every father knows that, from the moment they first hold their son.

Michael Owen, Pierrepont NY
"This I believe" is the wrong assertion if dialog is to become more than verbal masturbation in a culture seemingly mired in permanent adolescence. What I believe is as meaningless as what you believe beyond the borders of our particular self selected subgroup. Culture (belief) is invented to relieve individuals from the pain inadvertently created by a sense of the future, fear of death. Denigrating difference is the way people hold on to their cultural identity. Political organizations exploit identity to gain power. Imperial polities use the mechanism of a black and white vision of human personality, people are "good" or "bad". They know that our eyes cross when we find out that Pinochet ran death camps but was also a good father. We can't see ourselves in a useful context because to do so means we accept that we aren't "good." Neither is anyone else. In every declaration of nobility in Kevin Kostner's world where Amarind populations declare themselves "Human Beings" , there is also the statement that the neighbors are not. The core problem is not political in the sense of who is the individual to speak for the people in our time. George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton starved 800,000 Iraqis. It is political in the sense of consolidated power. Power stems from technology, not the constitution. We all have blind spots created by our core beliefs. We all make quid pro quos where they don't exist. Clinton lied about adultery so therefore he lied about everything. Bush runs torture camps therefore he is not a real Christian. It all depends on where you come from in the spectrum of core belief. Belief is what people will tell you is the reason they do things, but it's not. Economics is the basic unit of human endeavor. The million and a half refugees created every day by their systematic exploitation by the western world will tell you that right up to the point they couldn't eat, they believed they would live out their lives on the land they were born on. A new kind if Nihilism is being created, one that believes in everything rather than nothing. This is as psychologically untenable as the old one. None of us with an ounce of empathy would rather be a hammer than a nail. We need one of two things: to not be party to exploitation, or to be able to deny that we are. If we can detach ourselves from relying on "our God given lifestyle" to live, we can escape the need to deny our part in the hammering our culture gives the world. It's a narrow opening but it is a form of hope. Peace out, Mikey

Lore Ferguson, Potsdam
If I must choose one thing to believe, it is this: I believe that suffering refines us. I believe that the intense ordeals in our lives purge the impurities in us that we hate to see when we look in the mirror.

I believe that, as I stood over a newly dug grave, waiting for my fourteen year old brother to be lowered into it, my being was cleansed of the fear of death. I believe that after I climbed up to and stood on the Great Wall of China, my spirit was free to explore new possibilities about old history. I believe that the dirt beneath my blunt fingernails, and the aching muscles in my legs, prove to the world that I planted a garden, but prove to me that life and growth have cycles.

I believe that walking through the poorest, most decrepit hovels of South America I was taught a lesson which went deeper than any other I have ever learned. It is true that I believe that loneliness is there to remind me that I need more than only myself to be somebody at all. I believe that holding my breath underwater is difficult, but winning a contest is exhilarating; and I believe that letting somebody else win is even better. I believe that my first taste of green olives became a lesson in humility; and that the second time I swallowed one I was swallowing more than just the olive, but also my pride. I believe that broken bones and small white scars and wrapped joints are there to remind me that my body is temporal, and that I ought to treat it with care.

I believe that friends aren’t forever, even best friends, but that sweet fellowship must be lived out day to day to day. I believe that jeans must have worn-out knees to become my favorite. I believe that honesty is a better policy than duplicity, even when it means a blow to my ego. I believe that it hurts to grow up, to grow old, but that it hurts even more to admit that I am.

Here is what I believe above all, though: I believe that imperfections, impurities, limitations, and infidelities are part of life and that life will always be more difficult because of them. But, I believe that if I acquiesce to the lessons, the lessons will lend to my growth. I believe that someday looking in the mirror will mean more than just a familiar and broken face staring back, but an opportunity to face the next hurdle with expectancy knowing that my labor is not in vain.

Edward Shaw, Lexington, KY
Ellen Rocco's audiobyte, "This I Believe," was referred to me by a close friend in Watertown .. an adherant to NCPR. Though we often appear to be on opposite sides of the political spectrum, I think we are nearer in ideals than any observer who might judge us independantly. Many
liberals like my friend sometimes see conservative values and ideals severely skewed by what they perceive as blind acceptance of illegal, unethical, or clueless political opportunists ... and even dumb rationalists. It seems as though, in their eyes, that conservatism, particularly in the south, has no right to opinions which differ from their own. Many liberals claim that conservatives are selfish in the extreme. But, in reality, conservatives are history-proven to be generous to a fault, rather preferring to provide voluntary help and monetary assistance to persons, situations, and agencies resulting in vastly much better quality and meaningful results as compared to
governmental involvement which dictates what deals are done, and how much the deals are going to cost. I believe that the major sprain in the brain of most liberals today relates to 50% sour grapes and 50% shock that most citizenry of the U.S. of A. might just be conservative enough
to be fed up with the godlessness and socialistic bent of our courts, schools, and media. For an absolute certainty, our nation does not know how to deal with a growing criminal element from younger and younger sources. The answer plainly lies with taking parents to task in a severely stringent way, indeed requiring any miscreant to take responsibility for their actions. And, finally, to require that our justice system be prevented from making laws instead of enforcing the
laws rightfully decided by the people through our legislature. We do not 0need a political appointee justice to interpret that which is plainly written for all to read, and our legislature needs to smack a few judicial derrierres, by Constitutional amendment if necessary. Not for one moment do I believe in lifetime appointments of justices. These are among the most political appointments ever conceived. We have to do away with that premise and appoint them to 10 years by popular vote,
with affirmation by the legislature.