Today, we set out to find the fabled McDonald's Secret Menu. It's a list of a dozen or so dishes known only to the ancients, but that the good people behind the counter will get for you if you only know how to ask. There's the Pie McFlurry, the Monster Mac, and fries with Big Mac Sauce. The thing I really wanted to try has a name unsuitable for a family-friendly blog such as this (if you must know, go here). It's a double cheeseburger with a chicken patty placed in between the beef patties. Here, I'm just going to call it the McRedacted.
It's not something you want to go up and tell a stranger you want. My heart was pounding. Here's how it went:
Ian: So, you have a secret menu, right?
Guy behind the counter: Yes. What do you want?
Ian: Can I, uh, have a, uh, McRedacted?
Guy behind the counter: Sometimes, you can have a McRib. Sometimes.
Ian: So, you never heard of the McRedacted?
Guy behind the counter: Uh-uh.
Ian: I'll have a double cheeseburger and a chicken sandwich please.
The components in hand, I built my own. Misreading the menu, I just put the whole chicken sandwich in between the hamburger patties.
Ian: Mmmm, volumnious. I don't know if it'll be this way for everyone, but it is exactly equal to the amount of space in my mouth. If I had one more tooth, that bite wouldn't fit.
Eva: I missed the chicken. I didn't even notice the chicken.
Mike: Ugh! There are pickles on it!
Ian: All this, and the pickles bother you? I think the problem is there weren't enough fries on it. [puts fries on it].
Ian: My god, the McRedacted looks like a core sample of West Virginia.
Mike: You know how if you mix all the colors together, you get brown? If you mix this whole sandwich together you get McDonalds.
Ian: So, we can't say the name of this sandwich on our blog. Other ideas?
Peter: The Meat Up.
Eva: [inaudible, mouth full of sandwich]
Mike: Did you say "McMamet"? CHICKEN PATTIES ARE FOR CLOSERS.
Eva: No, I said McVomit.
Mike: The chicken does provide some texture.
Eva: It's not better than the sum of its parts. Nothing here surprises me.
Ian: Yeah, it's not a surprise. I mean, it's a chicken sandwich inside of a double cheeseburger, and if you were a double cheeseburger eating at McDonalds, you'd probably order the chicken sandwich. You may be a sentient double cheeseburger, but you're not a cannibal.
[Ed. note: We're really curious if anybody out there has had any luck ordering off the secret menu. If so, please let us know your stories of walking up to the counter and ordering, say, a Big McChicken, a McRedacted, or the horrifying Land, Sea, and Air Burger—that's a beef patty, a chicken patty, and a filet-o-fish patty.]