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Ten Glass-Half-Empty Holiday Songs For The Grinch Within Us All

Dec 6, 2011

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1. "I'll Be Home For Christmas." A beautiful song, it nevertheless salutes being very far away from everyone you love. You can plan on me, but your plans will be dashed. Dashed, I tell you.

2. "Santa Baby." The twisted and (one can only assume) intoxicated ramblings of an eggnog-soaked woman who can no longer relate to the Santa of her childhood, but can only imagine him to be just another bad boyfriend she can hit up for gifts in an effort to make him prove he cares. "Let's see if you believe in me," she says. She has issues, is what I'm saying.

3. "In The Bleak Midwinter." Self-explanatory.

4. "Blue Christmas." Quite possibly the saddest Elvis has ever sounded, he would like you to know that not only have you broken his heart, but you have ruined Christmas. And snow. And decorations. I hope you're happy.

5. "The 12 Days Of Christmas." This relationship is on the rocks. Someone is overcompensating.

6. "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." It's not so much that you're asking for the figgy pudding; it's that you're demanding the figgy pudding and refusing to leave. This makes it less of a holiday visit and more of an occupation.

7. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." If you don't understand the many ways in which this is wrong, I cannot help you.

8. "The Little Drummer Boy." So you go to all the trouble of going out and getting a gift — frankincense, whatever. You've done your shopping. You've put in the time. And then you get to the baby shower, and you present your gift, and everybody is really impressed and everything. And then this kid shows up, and he's like, "Weeeeell, I didn't get a gift, but maybe I could bang on this drum." And everybody's like, "Ohhhhh, that's wonderful," and first of all, you have to listen to all this drumming, and second of all, it's like you might as well have just saved the frankincense for your aunt, like, sorry, I didn't know we were doing a talent show.

9. "Let It Snow." I can only assume that the line "Since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" is sarcastic.

10. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas." Patronizing much?

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