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This photograph gets even more disturbing if you imagine those two hands belong to two different people. (Pizza Hut)

Sandwich Monday: The Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza

by Ian Chillag
Apr 8, 2013

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It really doesn't look like they promised. You say pizza. I say Cheese Mouse. Robert goes the wrong way. You don't like me, Pizza, and I don't like you. But we're gonna get through this thing, together.

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Pizza Hut has always been a leader in stuffing more cheese into your pizza. First there was the famous Stuffed Crust, then the P'Sauna, which elevated your body temperature so you could achieve full cheese supersaturation. Now it's the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza, which replaces the crust with tiny little bowls of cheese.

Ian: Thanks, Pizza Hut! Before when I wanted to eat a bowl of cheese, I had to go through a bad breakup first!

Eva: It looks like a beautiful sunflower with a bad case of acne.

Miles: Italy just announced it's cutting off culinary ties with the United States.

Mike: I think the knobby edges on the crust mean this pizza is intended for off-road riding.

Eva: This is expert pizza engineering — cheese levees.

Robert: It's really handy to have a pizza with serrated edges that you can use to cut your real pizza.

Peter: It feels like a test. If you eat the cheese bowls first, you fail. However, if you eat the front first, you also fail, but you fail normally.

Mike: It looks like pizza with an ear infection.

Ian: It's gross from either direction. It's like a mullet with two backs.

Mike: Is that in the Alabama Sutra?

Ian: You know, they could add little bowls on the bowls. Then little bowls on the bowls on the bowls, and so on. Pretty sure I won't be satisfied until my pizza has infinity of cheese.

Miles: It feels great eating from a cheese-filled pocket and not having to be worried about swallowing a ball of lint.

Robert: This has nothing to do with what I can or can't digest, but I'm feeling pretty lactose intolerant right now.

[The verdict: It tastes like you'd expect a Pizza Hut pizza to taste if you were to take all the ingredients and reconfigure them into a new shape. So: tasty.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me.

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