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There may be more appetizing measuring units than comparing your food to the size of a foot. (NPR)

Sandwich Monday: Subway Sriracha Chicken Melt

by Ian Chillag
Nov 11, 2013

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A pre-fight screen in the new edition of Sandwich Kombat. "Five dollar ... five dollar foot long." Even this inanimate caption cannot get the song out of its head. On Sandwich Monday, this counts as an action shot. The burn begins to set in.

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Ian Chillag

It's been a big couple of weeks for Sriracha hot sauce. First, a Los Angeles suburb sued a Sriracha factory for allegedly producing a spicy toxic cloud. And now, Subway has unveiled its Sriracha Chicken Melt, made with only the finest spicy toxic cloud.

Ian: I'm guessing it's spicy because the Subway sandwich artist started by telling me my Sandwich Safe Word.

Eva: Just like in Breaking Bad, they have to use those special plastic barrels for the sandwiches, instead of bread.

Miles: If I put some Sriracha in my ears, will it burn out the "Five Dollar Footlong" song that's been lodged in my brain?

Ian: Jared's giant old pants just burst into flames.

Robert: Once again Subway provides the service of killing a hip food trend. The streets of Brooklyn run red today (with Sriracha discarded by outraged hipsters).

Eva: You know, I've also put Sriracha on meals I've ruined, so I understand Subway's motive here.

Mike: On the plus side, after eating this, I don't smell like Subway so much as I smell like the subway.

Robert: I like that they named the sandwich for the sound I make when it comes back up.

Miles: I like a Subway sandwich that's so hot I forget I'm eating a Subway sandwich.

Ian: You know, "Sriracha Chicken Melt" is also the name of a frightening, outlawed coop cleaning product.

Peter: My brother once said, "with enough hot sauce you can eat anything." My brother has met his match.

Eva: Wait. Now how will you know if someone cut their finger while making your sub?

Robert: The flavor will improve.

Ian: You're thinking of Cannibal Subway, home of the Five Dollar Foot.

[The verdict: a welcome addition to Subway's menu. We all approved. Though as we noted, Sriracha has the ability to save many a failed recipe.]

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